I must admit I was a little bit apprehensive (ok, I was scared) …because last weekend we hosted five 14 – year old boys for a sleepover in our cozy home.
Boys this age are not known for their ability to think through consequences. We all know that. The brain is still developing and it is now known that full mental maturity isn’t achieved until about the age of 25. (Now those car rental rules make so much sense!) So, when they put the gray storage bin filled with kid + water on the skateboard and pushed off, down a small grade with a corner, I could only laugh through my worry. Our neighborhood is safe, this was exactly what I wanted – what originality! There was interaction, teamwork, creativity, playing outside, no screens – summer – how awesome that this still happens, in Southern California, in 2017! The duality of wonder and worry – I’ve become more comfortable with this of late.
Negative Bias towards Transition
Words do matter because they shape thinking. I reject the idea of terrible twos or adolescent angst, or for that matter, the mid-life crisis. Caterpillar > Butterfly. These times of change may be uncomfortable, but they aren’t terrible and they don’t have to be considered crises. They are often angsty, but that is natural. I’m not saying they don’t have pain associated, I just think that growth is beautiful, even when it is aggravating, messy, seemingly endless. These ungraceful periods of transition often yield beautiful results IF YOU LET THEM.
What happens though, is that the messiness makes us uncomfortabe, and sitting with discomfort is not one of our strong suits. So, we pull away too quickly, judge, reprimand, we let worry become bigger than it needs to be, and that stunts growth. And how uncomfortable it is as the parent existing in these moments. There are so many people who aren’t patient, who judge us and are vocal and often mean about it, and it takes a very strong and clear soul to not react in these moments, to stay focused on what we intend to impart. We need to remember this in times of change, because it can allow us to stand in that strange place just long enough to get to the good stuff. This is especially true in adolescence.
The Importance of Demonstrating Respect…To Our Kids
I see so many adults treating their kids without respect, and I find it unacceptable. Our boys (and girls too) bear a huge burden and are taught from a young age that their natural state is not acceptable. They want to run and play– we make them sit for HOURS and then punish them when they don’t do it perfectly. We demand a certain type of masculinity and then wonder why they are confused on how to act, how to treat others.
We regularly demonstrate that we don’t take their ideas seriously, we talk over them, we want so desperately to make sure they will be good citizens that we forget that their learning takes time, is incremental, and never perfect. Not one of us learns the first time, perfectly, ever, at any age. They want us to see and accept them as they are, they want us to notice that while they may have forgotten to clear their plate, they did at least five other things that were expected of them. We need to notice what they have accomplished and tell them often. There are so many voices that tear down, not build up. We often don’t look at the reasons behind what might be driving what can seem to be bad behavior. And we ourselves are responsible for demonstrating kindness AND accountability towards them. It is possible to have both.
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These boys are in the middle of becoming young men, and they had a great time together. I loved having them here for the night. We had to put the kibosh on Nerf Guns in the dark (a really bad idea), but they found something else to do. They were respectful, loud, funny, weird, interesting. They shared the video game controllers, no one’s eye got poked out (that I know of). They ate a TON and there was popcorn everywhere, but they cleaned up before leaving, and I would welcome them back any time.
Resource/Side Note: One book that has helped shape my thinking on parenting a boy is the book “It’s a Boy – Your Son’s Development From Birth to Age 18 by Michael Thompson and Theresa H. Barker. Get it here: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Boy-Your-Development-Birth/dp/0345493966