I Didn’t Cry at the Dentist Today
This is a post about stress and how it manifests. And about becoming aware of our own stress responses & mitigating the damage that comes from not looking our stress behavior square in the eye.
At the Dentist
For years, I have had so much fear, pain, and stress around the visiting the dentist and doctor. So many of us feel this way. Unfortunately, and embarrassingly, this had often manifested in the habit of stress crying at some point during the appointment.
5 Tools
At a recent appointment, before I even went into for the root canal, the following had happened I had prepared in the following way:
- Mental preparation: For three weeks prior to the appointment, I had been preparing my mind for the procedure. Imagining how it might go, what to expect, and the responses to fear and anticipated discomfort. Enough time to feel anxiety, but also to remember how many difficult life situations I had successfully been through.
- Sleep: Anxiety expands in direct inverse proportion to the amount of sleep I get, so I made a point to be well rested.
- Self-Awareness: I informed the doctor that I might cry. I explained that it was part of my stress response. He raised his eyebrows, but by speaking my concern, I was able to ground some of the emotional charge.
- Information: In the chair, I asked the questions needed to understand the procedure.
- Focus: My attention remained on my breathing throughout the two-hour procedure.
Every time it felt like I couldn’t swallow and started constricting my throat, I was able to remember to breathe and relax. Every time the drill started grinding again, another breath. When worry about the pain surfaced, another breath. Then another, then another. I was very conscious of my interior state throughout the whole process.
This was powerful. Partway through, I realized that I wasn’t going to cry in front of this doctor. I was not comfortable, but my responses were appropriate to the situation. This felt like strength.
Application to Life, Business, and Relationships
How many times in our lives have we been a participant in a negative stress response? Being berated publicly at work, flying off the handle at a loved one, experiencing a caustic exchange in the grocery store parking lot? These moments stick. While the moment doesn’t last long, the after-effects do.
Long after these moments have passed, we are often still re-creating the situation in a manner that keeps us angry and feeling powerless. “I could have said this…” “I should have done that.” We keep trying to move forward but without having discharged the emotion in a healthy way, we stay stuck for a while. Consider this: If for each moment at the end of someone else’s stress response we lose a minimum of thirty minutes of productivity at work; how much does this cost your business each year? We’ve all been on the receiving end of a negative exchange and know how long it takes to regain equilibrium and focus. It can be hours or days.
And in our relationships, the effect can be cumulative. Each similar exchange can further erode the trust and good will necessary for relationship health and growth.
Looking inward – how many times do you later wish you’d handled a situation with more grace or compassion? What moments would you do over with a friend or loved one? In a work or social situation?
Conditions and Circle of Influence
There will always be both favorable and unfavorable conditions. Even when we are ourselves stressed, there is plenty of room for us to choose how to react or respond. We can operate within our circle of influence. Getting a root canal was an unfavorable condition. Choosing to prepare myself mentally and physically was within my circle of influence and changed that specific story leading to a result in which I felt stronger.
Awareness and Mitigation
How can you apply this to your life? There will be times when your boss/spouse/kid isn’t at their best. There will be times when YOU aren’t at yours. How can you be prepared when it happens? What are some choices you can make in these moments?
It starts with continued focus on understanding our stress responses and triggers, then gathering the set of tools that we know will work for us in those difficult moments. And when we stumble, it is extremely important to be kind to ourselves in this moment – more shame, anger, self-loathing – these things amplify more stress. As you take in the learning, set down the burden of guilt. We can hold ourselves and others accountable AND demonstrate compassion. Over the years, my anxiety has created many problems at work and at home. Now that I am aware of the many ways this can manifest, I regularly check in on my well-being and pay attention to how I’m feeling, and then mitigate it with sleep, space, exercise, writing, music, meditation – whatever tools I know will work in that moment. This is lifelong work, and I don’t always get it right. But there is positive momentum, and the work is worth it.
With love and light,
K
Resources:
- Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash – Thank you Luis!
- To read more about Circle of Influence, read Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
- For more on being kind to self: Book: Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach