Are You Arguing with Reality or Loving What Is?

Great Questions

“Are you arguing with reality or loving what is?” Yes: arguing with reality. No: not loving what is. For several months I’ve been struggling with a group of thoughts around a project, feeling confused and conflicted about how to solve some persistent inner questions. In our cocktail hour conversation, as Mom and I were talking about my conundrum, she asked me: 

“Who would you be without that thought?” 

My reply: “Free. Liberated.” 

Ah, yes. Byron Katie. Right. I was arguing with reality and carrying some unease and suffering.

In her groundbreaking book, Loving What Is, Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, Katie addresses the suffering we experience because of our thoughts.

She states:

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but the attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”

She also posits that stress or suffering can be the trigger for us to examine the thoughts behind the suffering. She recommends that instead of avoiding or numbing ourselves to the thought, we look inward and inquire.    

Inquiry

After a long period of experiencing deep personal suffering, Katie found liberation from a framework she developed and calls The Work. When we feel conflicted or upset, we can answer these four questions:

1. Is (the thought) true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Once these questions are answered, Katie recommends what she calls “the Turnaround.” This practice suggests you reverse your thinking in various permutations.

In my case, the turnaround could take a few formats. Some options include “I embrace the current reality of uncertainty.” And: “I am at ease with my situation.” Or: “I am open to a new way of creating.”

Tool of Awareness and Liberation

It is the arguing with reality that causes the suffering. So, we can choose to stay stuck, or get to work and examine the thinking. This doesn’t change the reality, but can bring into alignment our thinking with our reality, which then opens us up to the opportunities that are actually in front of us.

This is not a comfortable process. It is called The Work for a reason – It’s freaking hard! Sometimes it takes more than one round of The Work until we can finally emerge with a solid new perspective. One of the benefits of doing the work is that you begin to become more aware of when you are stuck in suffering.

Benefits: Energy and Curiosity

And the applications are endless. If you are struggling with a change at work, or a skill you need to improve upon, or a professional setback, you can do The Work. You can apply it to old ways of thinking that impact your personal or family life. It is a tool of awareness and liberation, a powerful tool for inner change and acceptance. As you get acclimated, the process becomes more more natural and easier to remember. So after the quick reminder of this practice, I feel liberated and able to greet today with energy and curiosity.

Loving What Is

We are relentlessly trained to climb higher, try harder, aspire for more. We are not trained in Loving What Is. (It is possible to both aspire and be grateful for what we have. These are not at odds.) We can reduce our suffering when make time and look at our challenges head on. From this position we can see what is truly possible and chart our path forward.  

At The Workbench: 

If you are game, I recommend you grab a notebook and write out your thoughts to the following questions. (For those of you who hate writing, get over it! 😊)

• Are you struggling with a recurring way of thinking that is causing you stress or suffering?
• What thoughts are you getting stuck with or fighting against?
• What if you stepped back from your thought and allowed some curiosity to emerge?
• Who would you be without that thought?

Resources

• I highly recommend her book (If possible, hit up your local indie bookstore.)
• Byron Katie’s website:  https://thework.com/

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Sending love and light!

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