Growth Hurts!
The first time I remember getting painful feedback was from my father. Apparently when I was about ten years old, I was a complainer, because he sat me down one day and told me that I should not be talking constantly about things that I didn’t like or was feeling. He said that it was ok to mention a headache once, maybe twice, but to continue to talk about it makes people less likely to want to be around you. I remember feeling so hurt and bewildered!
The bewilderment came from having to change my behavior without a map or blueprint for the intended change. A few days later, some part of my body was hurting, so I limped around, “not complaining” but trying to scare up sympathy, nonetheless. Dad endured this for some time and then took pity on me and further explained the difference between complaining and discussing. That eased some of the emotional hurt and helped me to better understand the difference. That feedback changed my life.
The Feedback Crisis Response
Let’s be honest: real feedback often generates a crisis response within us. We can talk about how it is a gift – and it truly is – but in the moment, every fiber of our ego screams in resistance to the information. We feel hurt and angry, we put up mental walls and feel self-righteous in our “reasons” and for our behaviors. None of this changes the fact that often, the feedback is true. And the stronger our resistance, the more likely the feedback has hit upon a truth. In the initial moments, it feels awful.
Confidence and Awareness
During my executive leadership program and career transition I had a similarly painful feedback experience. I solicited coaching/feedback from an instructor. In one conversation, he asked me point blank why I always laughed nervously when trying to make a point. Ugh.
Our conversation opened awareness about how this small behavior undermined my leadership presence, confidence, and personal power. While painful, this small piece of feedback has helped me to correct this bad habit; I’m now also aware of and can change other similar behaviors. I wanted to improve in this area and decided to unpack this further.
I dove into my favorite coaching book: FYI: For Your Improvement. This brilliant book is broken down into over 60 competencies. Each competency provides an overview of the behavior continuum and some remedies for improvement. It is by far one of the best coaching resources out there.
Competency: Command Skills
Competency 9: Command Skills caught my eye. After reviewing the continuum, it became clear that I had some work to do.
Unskilled:
- More comfortable following
- May avoid conflict and crises, be unwilling to take the heat, have problems with taking a tough stand
- Might be laid back and quiet
- Too concerned about what others may say or think
- May worry too much about being liked
- May not be cool under pressure
- May not display a sense of urgency
Every item except the last one applied so I got to work. The suggestions and context provided around command skills were extremely helpful and gave me the needed insights and permission to start behaving differently. Here’s what helped:
For facing criticism with courage:
- “Leaders have to be internally secure.”
- “People will always say it should have been done differently. Listen to them but be skeptical.”
- “Don’t let criticism prevent you from taking the lead. Build up your heat shield.”
For facing a thorny issue:
- “Taking a tough stand demands utter confidence in what you’re saying along with the humility that you might be wrong – one of life’s paradoxes.”
For enhancing leadership presence:
- “Leading takes presence. You have to look and sound like a leader. Voice is strong. Eye contact. Confidence. Look and dress the part.” (Keep in mind the importance of context.)
- Presentation skills are especially important – if you need to grow in this area, practice.
Good Feedback Applied Well = Growth
To this day, I remember those moments and am grateful for the raised awareness. It gave me the power to change in the way I deemed essential. This point is key – when integrating the feedback of others, we must also consider our values, truths and vision. This is the essence of self-leadership and becomes the foundation of a true inner confidence and realized inner voice.
At The Workbench
It is hard to give or receive honest feedback, but thoughtful feedback is truly a gift that leads to growth.
If receiving feedback:
Pause, breathe, say thank you, and process privately. Evaluate the information and make the change you think you need to make. Understand that true change takes time and is not always linear. That’s ok.
If giving feedback:
Be thoughtful, clear, kind. Sit in the discomfort. Ensure others understand your intent. Remember, we are resilient and want to grow. Check in later to keep the conversation and relationship healthy.
Receive and pass it on, this gift.
For reflection:
Have you ever received a piece of painful feedback? How did you incorporate it? What feedback are you hesitating to give? Comments always welcome!
Resource:
- Book: FYI For Your Improvement, A Guide for Development and Coaching for Learners, Managers, Mentors and Feedback Givers by Michael M. Lombardo and Robert W. Eichinger.
- Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
“A crisis is an opportunity riding the dangerous wind.”
Chinese proverb
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