How incredibly hard it is to remain true to yourself. A dear friend of mine is going through some heavy stuff, and she’s doing the best she can. However, as we all know, this is never enough, and some people close to her have decided to let her know, very clearly, that they are angry with her for not doing more.
The soul needed healing. So, we did what needed to be done last night, we took ourselves to the beach, stood in the warm pacific water and talked.
Theory and practice are so far apart sometimes. In theory, we know that we give what we can, and that we are all doing so much more than is healthy (for a fulfilling, balanced life), and shouldn’t be so quick to react to the harsh critiques. But comments or negative feedback, especially from our inner circle – these cut deep, and stick with us for a much longer period of time than we’d like to admit. And because we have full lives, there is often a grain of truth. Our people are right. We didn’t show up when they wanted or asked, and we had to make a choice – a tradeoff – and decide between two (or more) equally important requests.
We may decide to decline a request due to much needed quiet time. Or there may be a scheduling conflict. If the former, it puts us in a bind. We are already so unlikely to advocate for alone time, and there is always something or someone that needs attention, so where do we draw the line?
In a similar situation many years ago, I had a falling out with a friend because I didn’t behave the way she wanted. I couldn’t. The choice was between taking her good advice and taking care of myself. In business it is often heard that past behavior or track record is the strongest indicator of future performance, and this applies to relationships too. Expectations are in place. So, when I realized that I was not listening and acting for my own mental and physical health, the past behavior of pleasing her had to change, and I had to say no. We were on the outs for months, and it was so uncomfortable.
Behavior change IS uncomfortable. Knowing this does help in the moment, because when we tune into that feeling of dissonance and become aware, we can take the beat necessary to THINK about and CHOOSE our responses to the anger and disappointment of others. Rather than react and fall back into behaviors that don’t serve us or the relationship, we can decide to proceed with our decision, whether or not it is approved of or understood.
As we stood in the water, enjoying the summer balm of beach and clouds and setting sun, we talked more about acceptance. It’s natural to get angry, upset or disappointed. But if our friends really love and accept us – would they say the hurtful things that they do? Or would they value us enough to come to the relationship as their adult selves, with mastery over words and actions? Don’t you want to be able to truly be yourself, and to support others in kind?
Communication and relationships are thorny, but they don’t have to heap on unnecessary hurt. There’s enough pain already. We deserve to be able to rest in our self-hood, not having to put up armor and defend our decisions. We are responsible for our behavior and approach AND deserve grace and acceptance for being who we are. We are enough.