Wednesday Workbench #17: On Conflict | Clarity | Confidence

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Argument, debate, conflicting opinions, conflict-avoidant, fight, battle, war, skirmish, clash, struggle. agree to disagree.

How does your body feel when you read these words?  And equally important, what story or script do you run when you feel conflict brewing? 

Do you tense up, amp up, circle the wagons, steamroll, jump in, prepare, discuss, debate, run screaming (or silently) from the room clam up or close down?

Of course, it depends.  On the topic, person, situation, emotional state, level of trust, or impact to your career or relationship.  Or on even something as simple as being hungry or tired.  It’s a complex and changing recipe – our reactions to conflict. 

Mixed Messages

There are so many ways conflict can manifest, and often in our culture, it seems we send mixed messages. We may blast our horn at the driver next to us, but not look at them as we drive by. We yell, then apologize. The temperature in the room may quickly chill. We can be aggressive, passive-aggressive, avoidant, brutally honest or dishonest. Occasionally, we can engage clearly with both candor and kindness. But often, we are hooked in the moment and circumstance, unclear as to how to use our emotional intelligence to navigate a delicate and important interaction. If not trained otherwise, we view conflict through a negative lens, when in fact it can be an incredible force for innovation and growth. We envy those who can engage with a clear head and get results. The good news:  if we are willing to do the work, we can improve.    

Madam Secretary

This show is brilliant, and every episode is a lesson in negotiation, influence, disagreement, and debate. In one particular episode, the Secretary of State and Vice President disagree on how to approach an important international policy interaction. Each is operating with their own perspective of long-term effect, short-term desire, personal values, and communication style, and how they come to resolution is an important lesson in being willing to stay at the table, despite differences and frustration. While most of us never will have to set international diplomatic policy, we do have important relationships and differences of opinion at work and in our personal lives. There is always conflict and differences in approach. To be effective in our relationships, it is essential that we continue to upskill in this area.

Clarity

How can we attain some clarity in these moments of conflict? In the book Crucial Conversations, (Patterson, Grenny et al.), the authors lay out several tools to use when in any high-stakes situation.  Here are three questions that return focus to the current interaction: 

  1. What do I really want for myself?
  2. What do I really want for others?
  3. What do I really want for the relationship?

Preparation Builds Skill and Confidence

We all have inner work to do to improve our response to conflict. We must first be ready to listen – to others, and self. We benefit from understanding our triggers and stories, by paying attention to the messages our bodies send us, and by taking the time to clarify the outcomes we seek. This preparation builds confidence and provides clarity when we next find ourselves in disagreement with others. 

At The Workbench

  1. Awareness:  What is your default reaction to conflict?
  2. Action:  What might you do differently in your next disagreement? 

Resources

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