…Sunday at 5:00 PM in my head: “You need to hold yourself accountable. You promised an episode and it is due tomorrow.” But after several hours of work, and a feeling of great frustration, I knew that it was time to step away and was smart enough to do so. As my loved ones will attest, this has not always been the case. I have been called Caldonia on more than one occasion due to my hard-headed nature and can’t argue with the rationale.
It was time to honor the other things I value: some family time and relaxation before the busy week starts. The episode needed a few more hours of work, and I knew the family time and rest were more important. I wasn’t entirely at ease with the decision, (ok – I was wound up, irritated, wanting to pitch it all, etc.) but I closed up the computer, and went to soothe my soul with my husband and some Pho. Thankfully, he talked me out of chucking the whole thing. And this thought also crossed my mind: this is an opportunity to practice some kindness towards myself. And flexibility. And perspective. And honoring the rest of the hard-won lessons learned over the past few years.
The Creative Process
The creative process is hard to wrangle, and our cultural tendency to put great pressure to produce can get in the way of the bigger picture goals of joy, of enjoying the journey, of allowing things to unfold. For this episode, my plan looked great on paper, but it is very hard to anticipate the evolution of a product, and the time it takes to get the vision to match the reality. The plan had to change, and I will go back to the Workbench this coming weekend, and eventually the piece will be ready.
For me, seeing the process and the work in progress of others is so helpful; this is why I’m sharing my experience. The behind the scenes work is so interesting – because so much real work gets done on so many levels. We often forget what it takes to create something and so much of what we experience has had the benefit of trial, error, revision, finesse. We see the finished product and don’t experience what the artist does – the sheer number of hours navigating the inner and outer landscapes; the small wins, the obstacles, the wrangling of impatience, the energy ebb and flow, the other obligations and time constraints and day-to-day life – all of which often happen at the same time.
Time
I, like so many people I know, am in this endless race against the clock, and want to change my relationship with how I feel about my full days. What I am experimenting with right now is an editing process – and it is amazing how much has to be cut to get to a point of spaciousness, or at least some space. I had a moment a few months ago in which I was sitting at my kitchen table and chatting with my son while he did the dishes, and it felt like 1985 in my Grandma’s Rose’s kitchen – leisurely, unrushed, without that hyper-awareness and crush of clock. Wonderful. It is a worthy goal to aspire to, in a kind-to-self kind of way.
XXOO, K
Song for the playlist: Caldonia – BB King